I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
