Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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