im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
