I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
My penis needs a shock collar
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize