Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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