I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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