You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
