I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
