We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Randomize
