actually, I'm a sock model
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
