Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
