This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
you will always have a special place in my vag
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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