I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize