i need an iv and a liver transplant
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
