smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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