Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
