what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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