six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
