I'm sorry my penis didn't work
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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