I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
