i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
