Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
