My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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