The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
