matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
