I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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