I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
