the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
