If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
did i walk over a car last night?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Randomize
