he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
