were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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