Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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