oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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