He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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