I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
