yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
