i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
