god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
