was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
