I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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