New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
