what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
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