i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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