I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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