i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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