Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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