He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
