My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
