I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
