Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize
