WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Good news!! I can adult!! ๐ turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ๐ญ๐
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I canโt shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. Itโs like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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