why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
