I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
