people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
