Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
she pinky promised me she was 18
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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