i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
