D3 body, D1 cock
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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