The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
